Change Is Hard—Even When It Matters: A Compassionate Look at the Stages of Change for Parents
Change Is Hard—Even When It Matters: A Compassionate Look at the Stages of Change for Parents
If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve told yourself something like this:
“I need to be more patient.”
“I’ve got to start taking better care of myself.”
“I can’t keep living like this.”
And yet—change doesn’t come easily. Even with all the insight, motivation, and good intentions in the world, actually shifting how we show up in our lives (and with our kids) can feel like pushing a boulder uphill.
You’re not alone—and you’re not broken.
Why is change so hard, even when we want it?
As a therapist, I often work with people who deeply want to change. They may want to yell less, drink less, sleep more, or feel less reactive. And still—old patterns hold tight. There’s a good reason for that.
Change isn’t just about willpower. It’s a process. And when we look at change through a trauma-informed and evidence-based lens, it makes more sense why it takes time.
The Transtheoretical Model: A Map for the Change Process
Also known as the “Stages of Change” model, this framework describes change as a cycle with six phases:
Precontemplation – “I don’t see a problem.”
Contemplation – “Maybe something needs to change, but I’m unsure.”
Preparation – “I want to change and I’m starting to plan how.”
Action – “I’m actively doing something differently.”
Maintenance – “I’m trying to keep the change going.”
Relapse or Recycling – “I slipped, but that’s part of the process.”
Wherever you are on this cycle—whether you’re just thinking about making a change, or you’ve tried and slipped—your place is valid. It doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.
Motivational Interviewing: A Collaborative Approach
In therapy, I use a technique called Motivational Interviewing (MI) to support clients in exploring change. MI is rooted in empathy, curiosity, and respect. It isn’t about pushing you toward action. It’s about helping you:
Understand your own reasons for change
Explore your ambivalence without judgment
Feel empowered to make changes that align with your values
For parents especially, MI creates space to look at what matters most—your relationship with your children, your sense of self, your mental and emotional well-being—and gently explore how to move toward the life you want to lead.
If You’re a Parent Struggling with Change
It’s okay to have mixed feelings. It’s okay to want to change and feel overwhelmed by it. Whether you’re trying to unlearn patterns from your own upbringing, show up differently for your kids, or reclaim part of yourself that’s been buried by caregiving—therapy can help.
You don’t have to do it all at once. And you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’re ready to start the conversation about change—whether you’re contemplating it or ready to act—I’m here to walk with you.
