Racing the Ghost: When We Compare Ourselves to the Life We “Should” Be Livin

Every now and then, someone sits across from me in therapy and says something like:

“I should be further along.”

“I should have done more by now.”

“I shouldn’t be stuck here.”

There’s often anger behind it. Sometimes shame. Sometimes resentment toward themselves or the people closest to them. And almost always, there’s a quiet belief sitting underneath:

“My life is not where it should be.”

This idea - this expectation of an ideal timeline - is one of the most common and most painful mental traps we fall into. And it’s incredibly human.

The Real vs. Ideal Problem

At its core, this struggle is a contrast between the real self and the idealized self.

The real self is who you are right now:

Your history, your responsibilities, your relationships, your limits, your strengths, your body, your time, your actual lived experience.

The ideal self is who you imagine you could be:

If everything fell into place. If nothing had gone wrong. If you never experienced trauma or loss or setback. If you always made the “right” choices.

And when people compare these two versions, they often talk to themselves in tiny, harmful microaggressions:

“You’re behind.”

“You messed up.”

“You wasted time.”

“You should have done better.”

These little digs feel small, but over time they accumulate. They chip away at us.

Racing the Ghost Version of Ourselves

One of my favorite ways to explain this is with a visual many people instantly understand:

the ghost racer in a time-trial video game.

In racing games, your previous lap gets saved as a transparent ghost car driving the “perfect” line - always ahead, always smoother, always faster. You can’t beat it by looking at it. You beat it by focusing on your own driving.

But in life, many of us stare at the ghost version of ourselves and then judge every turn we take.

That ghost is the:

• version of you who didn’t struggle

• version who didn’t endure hardship

• version who didn’t have responsibilities

• version who had infinite time, energy, resources, and luck

And of course that version can outrun you. They don’t exist.

When we race the ghost, we lose every time.

The Grief Hidden Inside the Comparison

Here’s the part most people don’t realize:

Comparing real vs. ideal is a grief process.

Not grief as in only losing a person, but grief as in losing a possibility.

A dream.

A storyline.

A version of life you imagined or feel like you were “supposed” to have.

And like any grief, the stages can cycle:

• Denial: “I can still catch up. I can still be who I should’ve been.”

• Anger: “This is unfair. Other people caused this. I caused this.”

• Bargaining: “If I just work harder, I can still become that perfect version.”

• Depression: “I’ll never live the life I wanted.”

• Acceptance: “This is where I am. I can grow from here.”

People don’t move through these stages in order. They bounce around them, often triggered by life events:

running into someone from the past, scrolling social media, a birthday, a setback, a quiet night when your thoughts get too loud.

It’s normal. It’s human. And it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.

The Relief of Awareness

When people really grasp this dynamic - when they see the ghost racer clearly - something shifts. Often immediately.

Because the comparison stops feeling like a personal failure and starts making sense. It becomes a pattern, not a character flaw.

Awareness alone doesn’t fix it, but it gives clients language:

“Oh, that’s my ideal talking.”

“I’m racing the ghost again.”

“I’m grieving the timeline I thought I’d have.”

And suddenly they’re not lost inside the storm - they’re observing it.

Naming the Ghost

Sometimes I work with clients to give their idealized self a name - something light, slightly playful, but meaningful.

“Superdad Dave.”

“Perfect Planner Pam.”

“Golfing Gary.”

“Six-Figure Sarah.”

It helps externalize the voice. It gives distance. It breaks the spell.

Now instead of collapsing under the weight of impossible expectations, clients can say:

“That’s Gary again. He’s loud today.”

This opens the door to self-compassion and choice.

Turning Insight Into Meaningful Action

Once people see the pattern, they have two genuine options:

1. Move toward the ideal - intentionally.

Not frantically.

Not desperately.

Not out of shame.

But because parts of that ideal actually matter to you.

You can build systems, routines, habits, and support to pursue what feels meaningful - without expecting perfection.

2. Accept and appreciate the life you’re actually living.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with everything about your circumstances.

It means you stop fighting with reality long enough to breathe, think clearly, and choose what to do next.

It means stepping out of the imaginary race so you can actually run your real one.

Closing Thought

If you find yourself comparing your life to the one you “should” be living, you’re not failing - you’re grieving.

And you can heal from that.

You can learn to recognize the ghost racer.

You can choose which parts of the ideal matter and which ones were never yours to chase.

And you can build a life that is grounded, meaningful, and fully yours - not the ghost’s.