Beyond Loss of Life: Understanding Grief in All Its Forms
When most people hear the word grief, they picture the death of a loved one. And while that’s certainly a profound form of loss, grief shows up in many places: the end of a relationship, a career shift, losing physical abilities, or even letting go of a vision of the future you once imagined. In short, grief is the response to losing something loved or valued.
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously described grief through five stages; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (often abbreviated as DABDA). These stages have become a cultural reference point, but they’re not steps on a staircase. Instead, grief moves more like waves: sometimes you’re standing steady, and other times a surge of emotion takes you back into anger or bargaining, even if you thought you’d “moved on.”
Grief Is Not Linear
Author Megan Devine, in her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK, notes:
“Grief is not a problem to be solved. It’s an experience to be carried.”
That reminder helps us resist the urge to see grief as a checklist. Instead, it’s about noticing how the stages ebb and flow in our lives. You may feel acceptance one morning - “This is my new normal”- only to find yourself bargaining again that afternoon - “If I just do this differently, maybe I can get it back.” Both are normal.
The Stages, Revisited
Denial: “This can’t be happening.” Sometimes denial is less about disbelief and more about the brain protecting us from overwhelm.
Anger: “Why me? Why now?” Anger may be directed outward, inward, or at the universe itself.
Bargaining: “If only I had…then maybe…” We revisit scenarios in hopes of regaining control.
Depression: A heavy sadness that reminds us of what we’ve lost and how life has changed.
Acceptance: Not agreement or approval, but recognition. “This is my reality, and I can begin to carry it.”
As in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), acceptance doesn’t equal agreement. You can acknowledge a loss without being okay with it.
Grief in Everyday Life
Think of the popular TV show This Is Us, which touched so many because it explored grief beyond funerals. Characters grieved lost dreams, fractured family connections, and even childhood innocence. Each story reminded us that grief is part of being human, it’s the cost of caring deeply. Sometimes it’s helpful to observe others as they manage through a process to help us work through our challenges.
Learning Your Triggers
Grief can resurface when triggered by anniversaries, familiar places, or even something as small as a song on the radio. Understanding these triggers doesn’t mean we avoid them, but it helps us meet them with more compassion for ourselves.
Moving Toward Integration
Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” The same applies to grief: when we accept its presence, we gain the ability to integrate it into our lives rather than fight it.
A Practice to Try
Take a moment this week to notice where grief is present in your life, not just in loss of people, but in changes to your health, relationships, or sense of self. Ask yourself:
Which stage am I in right now?
Have I noticed myself cycling back to earlier stages?
What support helps me carry this stage more gently?
Closing Thought
Grief doesn’t end, it changes shape. By learning to recognize the stages, honoring the values underneath our losses, and extending compassion to ourselves when we cycle back, we create space for healing.
Or, as writer Joan Didion put it in The Year of Magical Thinking:
“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it.”
But once we’re there, we can learn how to carry it—with gentleness, with awareness, and with support.
