Knowing Your Values: Individually, as a Couple, and in Every Corner of Life
Let’s imagine your life as a patchwork quilt — each square representing a different part of who you are.
Some squares are your work life, others are how you play, care for your health, or love your partner.
Every square can be stitched with a different pattern, and within each pattern are the values that shape how you want that area of your life to feel.
Our values aren’t “one-size-fits-all.”
The values you hold as an individual can be different from the values you share in your relationship.
In fact, within your own life, you may have entirely different values depending on the domain:
Work might be driven by achievement and growth.
Play could be guided by curiosity and fun.
Health might center on discipline and vitality.
Love might be grounded in loyalty, compassion, or connection.
Finding Your Core Values
When you take the time to identify your top six values in each area, you may notice something interesting: some show up again and again.
These are your core values — the principles that seem to guide you no matter the setting.
Core values aren’t rules to follow rigidly. They’re more like a compass. They give you objectivity when you zoom out and look at your choices in context. You’ll still make decisions that run counter to your values from time to time — that’s part of being human — but knowing your values means you can:
Better predict how you’ll feel about the outcome.
Accept the result with more clarity, even when you don’t like it.
Acceptance Doesn’t Mean Agreement
This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) overlap beautifully. In DBT, we often say that acceptance is not agreement.
You can accept an outcome for what it is — understanding how your values influenced (or didn’t influence) your choices — without liking or endorsing it.
ACT teaches us to anchor ourselves in our values and take committed action toward them, even when life throws discomfort in the way. DBT brings in mindfulness and emotion regulation, helping us prepare for stressful situations, manage them in the moment, and debrief afterward with less judgment and more perspective.
Why This Matters for Relationships
In couples work, it’s not uncommon for each person to have their own personal values and for the relationship itself to develop shared values over time.
Sometimes, conflict happens because one or both partners are operating from individual values that no longer align with the relationship’s shared values.
Without awareness, this can feel like “drifting apart” when in reality, it’s a signal to revisit and renegotiate what matters most together.
Becoming Intimate With Your Values
Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centered therapy, believed that congruence — alignment between who you are and how you live — is a foundation for mental and emotional health.
The more familiar you become with your values, the more you become familiar with yourself. That kind of intimacy fosters greater authenticity in how you show up for life and for others.
Practical Steps You Can Take
Do a values sort exercise. Write down a list of values (you can find many online or use a guided worksheet) and narrow them down to your top six in each life domain.
Look for repeats. Notice which values keep showing up — these are your core values.
Schedule check-ins. Once a month, review your values alone and with your partner. See if they still reflect what matters most.
Integrate into decisions. Before making a big choice, ask yourself, Which value am I honoring here?
Stay flexible. Values can shift over time — revisiting them keeps you responsive instead of rigid.
Bottom Line
When you live with your values in mind, you’re not just going through the motions — you’re making deliberate choices that fit who you are and who you want to be.
And when you and your partner know both your shared and individual values, you build a relationship that can grow, adapt, and stay connected even as life changes.
