Asking for Change: How to Communicate Your Needs Clearly and Respectfully
One of the hardest things to do in relationships—whether with a partner, family member, friend, or coworker—is asking for change.
It’s vulnerable. It risks conflict. And it can feel like we’re “making waves” when we’d rather avoid tension.
But here’s the truth: asking for what you need is not selfish, dramatic, or rude.
It’s a healthy, respectful, and necessary life skill.
And like any skill, it can be learned and practiced.
Start Simple: The “I Feel / When / So” Formula
When you’re new to assertive communication, it helps to have a framework to work from.
I often suggest this structure:
I feel ____ (name a specific emotion and/or physical sensation)
When ____ (describe the specific behavior you’d like to address)
So, ____ (make the request you hope to see)
Example:
“I feel anxious and tense when our plans change at the last minute. So, could we try to set plans at least a day ahead whenever possible?”
This keeps the conversation focused on your experience, the specific behavior, and a clear request—instead of turning it into blame or criticism.
Advancing the Skill: DEARMAN
For those ready to take it further, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a powerful skill called DEARMAN.
It’s an acronym that helps you remember each step for assertive, effective communication:
Describe: State the facts of the situation.
Express: Share your feelings about it.
Assert: Ask clearly for what you want or need.
Reinforce: Explain why meeting your request benefits both sides.
Mindful: Stay focused on your goal; avoid getting sidetracked.
Appear confident: Use a calm, steady tone and body language.
Negotiate: Be willing to find a compromise.
Example using DEARMAN:
“When you come home later than planned without letting me know (Describe), I feel worried and a bit taken for granted (Express). I’d like you to send a quick text if you’re running late (Assert). It helps me feel respected and less stressed (Reinforce). I want us to be on the same page (Mindful), and I’m saying this because I care about our time together (Appear confident). If texting isn’t always possible, maybe we can agree on another way to check in (Negotiate).”
Why This Matters
When we don’t ask for what we need, resentment builds.
We start feeling unheard, undervalued, and disconnected—and that can slowly erode trust and closeness.
Assertive communication—done with respect—prevents that erosion.
It opens space for understanding, problem-solving, and mutual care.
This isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior.
It’s about clearly expressing your needs, listening to theirs, and finding common ground.
Making It a Habit
Here’s how to strengthen your skills:
Practice with low-stakes situations—like asking a friend to switch seats at a restaurant or requesting a quieter work environment for an hour.
Check in with your body before you speak. Notice tension, heart rate, or breathing—this helps you stay grounded.
Stay specific. Avoid “always” and “never” statements.
Acknowledge the other person’s perspective. This builds trust and makes collaboration more likely.
Learning to speak up for your needs is one of the most empowering things you can do for your relationships—and for yourself.
With practice, you’ll find that your requests become less about “avoiding conflict” and more about creating connection, understanding, and respect.
